Could things get any worse right now!

I know that I am putting the question out there which is not really good as it means that I am giving out those negative vibes, but sometimes I feel that being positive is a hard thing to do.

There are soooo many things going on at the mo in my life that could all tumble down like a block of bricks being knocked over.

I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it 'all better' but I know that right now it is a bleak situation.

We are on the verge of losing our home as I haven't coped well and the mortgage hasn't been paid in 3 months! Not good considering Mark was made redundant in April and the 'fab job' that I was offered, never actually happened in the end. People should not be allowed to mess about with other people's lives as this has had a major impact on EVERYTHING! It was supposed to make things better, but I guess that is what you get when you rely on someone else.

I am not happy with the way that things are at home at the minute as I feel sooooo invisible and under appreciated for what I do..........

.....I now know that this is how a lot of Mum's must feel at some point....but here's the question......Should we be treated like slaves? Should WE be the only ones to do everything?......who is really looking after us?.........these are questions that I have been asking myself ALOT! I have 3 able bodied people in this house apart from me and feel that I am STILL doing everything.....when I started to 'fall apart' recently I was told that I couldn't do that as what would everyone else do?......can you believe that! So it is ok for everyone else to have issues, but when it comes to ME! NOTHING! NOT ALLOWED!!!!

I have recently be missing my family more and female company even more as men be complete pains and selfish, but I guess I am acting a little selfish at the min, but WHY NOT! I feel like a little girl at the min as I am seriously throwing my teddy in the corner........I want to feel loved, not just told that I am loved as right now I certainly don't feel it......I just feel that I am here to clean up the CRAP!

I know that I shouldn't be using this blog for this but I feel that I can really let go on here, & yes I guess air some of that laundry!

I have also made the decision to sell my Bon Jovi tickets that I was soooo looking forward to seeing this weekend as it is too much money to waste right now, let's hope I manage to do that otherwise I might as well go!

Amazingly I should be feeling great as Tim is turning 4 tomorrow, but it is hard to concerntrate on that at the min when everything else is going to the dogs

I must pop off otherwise this could go on for a while! not good really......so apologies to those who feel that I shouldn't really be doing this

I hope next blog will have some positive out of it

Is he 14 already!

So my 'baby' turned 14 this month!

So here we are remembering how I was when Joe was born....22, newly married, just left the forces, thinking how did I end up here! So at 22 I had no idea what to expect or how I was going to manage as a new wife and new mum, the thought of it just terrified me if I am totally honest.

I met Mark on my last 6 weeks in the Falkland Islands! not planned let me tell you.....I was planning to leave the forces in the April (met Mark in the Aug before) and go and do some travelling....I remember Mum saying that you should do some in your life as you may regret it later! how right was she! not that I would ever tell her that of course!!! :D

So after returning from the Falklands my life then turned in to a roller coaster.....found out I was pregnant on my leave......told Mark! which went better than I thought it would down a phone! he wasn't due back til Nov and I really couldn't leave it that long! then first week of December he proposed, then 30th December we got married! Jan 97 we moved in to our first home together....Mark was away on exercise & I was 4 months pregnant! Mad I know! I still had 3 months to go before I would be leaving the forces, but Joe had other ideas!! I was signed off sick til I left as I had a rough pregnancy.....little did I know then I was having a ready made 3 month old!

So here we were in May and his due date came and went! Huge looking like I was having twins I went in to Salisbury hospital on 31st May, 10 days over his due date I got enduced.....wow, that was an experience!

3 and a half days later!!!!! Joe was born by emergency c-section, I was so scared as I was awake! I tried to stay calm but when they told me he was stuck I worried....a lot!

So at 3am on 3rd June 1996 out came Joe....58 cm long & 10lb 10oz!!!! he was a BIG baby!

The nurses were soo lovely and loved to hold him and let me sleep as I needed a blood transfusion after as he took sooo much goodness from me.

He was gorgeous (of course he still is!); my 'little' man.......always quicker than other kids his age doing things, always interested in lots of more advance stuff....of course I thought it was 'normal' as I didn't know any different.......So jump ahead to this year, Jan 2010 Joe is diagnosed with ASD!

So that explains lots of things, but also fills me with fear....what! what is this thing he has? how do I cope with this? am I alone here or is this something other people deal with? are all ASD kids the same?

These were just some questions that I had

Now in June 2010 I realise that he is special as he is different but sooo intelligent, advanced yet still a child, challenging but rewarding. I am learning so much about this condition that I look at things differently. I won't lie it is really hard to know what is best still, but I am working on it.

Joe is now 14, size 11 (men size) feet, 5'10 inches tall!!!! blonde & blue eyed (heartbreaker in the making!!)

I love you Joe, good, bad and ugly times, but you are you and unique

I am so proud of who you are and who you want to become xxxx

Can't Believe it's June Already!!!

So here we are halfway through the year already! How scary!

So for the first time I have been struggling really badly with life! my grasp on reality seemed to have escaped me recently and things got too much. I ran away! at my age! well not really ran away but escaped to Devon as I couldn't face anything. Things were just too much.

I don't like the feeling of loss of control as it means that the family mechanics break down.....it seems that I have to 'keep it together' so that Mark doesn't fall apart! How unfair is that! I can't breakdown without consequence!

I gave some home truths when I got back, some I wasn't planning to do, but in anger and frustration they just came out. So now I feel a bit more relieved as I wasn't planning to blurt out what I did, but hey it needed to be said so now I am feeling better.

So here is the plan......

1. Move out the house and sell
2. Seek therapy!
3. Structure and routine to the household
4. Major de-clutter (sell stuff, donate stuff, bin stuff)
5. Fix broken doors
6. HAVE A HOLIDAY!

Well the last one is going to be needed after everything!

So here is my thought.....


Don't let life get you down, don't let the things in your head build up so that it gets too much. Always share what is going on otherwise you will struggle more in the long run

Think positive even when life is getting too much, all these things are meant to happen so that we can learn and grow from them