Well over a year since my last post! best get blogging!

So here we are in 2013 & it's been over a year since I last blogged!!!

Well what can I say but the fact life got in the way!

The youngest one starts school this coming Sept!! I am feeling sooo old!

Not only that I turn the big 4...0! in 2014...so how do I feel about it?

Well actually I am ok with it.  40 doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would but I did decide that I would make a list of 40 things to do before I turn 40.  So here are some of them!

1. Learn to knit & make a cardigan!...I have the wool, needles & Pattern just waiting to start...but need time on that one! so not there yet

2. Learn to Crochet & make a 'Granny' blanket...I went to a class last Thursday 17th Jan & made my first square....it's certainly harder than it looks!

3. Pass my CBT again & do my motorbike test

4. Start saving money!....this sounds harder than it may seem as I am not the best with saving! so aiming to have some 'backup' in my bank accounts!

5. Take at least 2 holidays not near my family & just us & the kids...somewhere new

6. Buy a 7 seater car...we have bought some turkeys over the years but I want a used but newer car for the family to go out in :)

7. Lose 90lbs in weight!....achievable I think but will be a challenge as I love sweet things!

8. Send my 2nd eldest back to Stage school to help him build confidence & help him do well with his GCSE Drama...when things were tough poor Sam had to give up what he loved & now doesn't really go out...he loved it so will get him back doing something he loved apart from computers!

9. Learn to Ballroom dance....I always wanted to learn how to dance when I was younger but never had the courage to tell my parents so now I want to do this one

10. Book my 40th Birthday party...enuff said ;)

11. Buy the lovely singer sewing machine I have my eye on...it's expensive but I love it!

12. Learn to re-upholster & re-cover my small footstool...I have plenty of fabric so better start using it!!

13. make up puff cushions for the kids to sit on whilst in the garden/playshed (not built yet!) & conservatory....pattern bought now to decide which fabric I need!

14. Make a recipe box & write up favourite Slimming World recipies...need to condense them down as have too many!

15. Go through all interior design/scrap mags & take out the ideas I like & recycle the rest....you never know what they might make with the stuff left over ;)

16. Make up window dressings for all the bedrooms & conservatory

17. Repair my bedroom chair & make new cover....have got some gorgeous swedish inspired fabric for this project :)

18. Take boys for a picnic & day trip somewhere new at least once a month...we stay in too much as a family which is not healthy so going to make a concious effort to go out more :D

19. Pass my APMP & become a Project Manager...want to take that next step in my career now I have finished having a family...inspire the boys that you have to work hard to achieve

20. Buy an iMac PC...have wanted one of these for years since my eldest son's best friend from primary school dropped my Ibook on my tiled kitchen floor & kill it! & I want to have a large screen to do my photos on for scrapping :D

So there are my first 20 things to do....so let's see how I get on with those ones...there is no order to how I do it, but I just know I have 14 months...so best get cracking!!!

Until my next blog...keep safe in this snow! TTFN xxx

Wow has it really been that long since my last post!

I can't believe it has been nearly a year since my last post! Gosh were has the time gone!

Well where do I start.....

It's been a tough year which was not in my plan. My sister & her husband lost their gorgeous son Oscar. I couldn't believe that it happened, but I know that he will never ever get forgotten. I am currently working on a mini album for him using the papers I bought to start his first scrap album. I haven't yet put the photos in as I need to be able to cope with that one emotionally myself. I am so pleased that they are both expecting again. We are all looking forward to meeting this one as we were for Oscar & we are hoping that it will all continue to go well. She is struggling with nausia at the mo but hopefully that will pass. My mum said she thought she was having twins & to keep hold of our pushchair as you can convert it into a double pram! my sister had a scan & that was one of the first questions I asked!

Only one!

Tim started & finished school since I did my last post! I can't believe he is going back into Year 1! Joe is going to be in his final year at school & he can leave in June next year! I hope that he is going to do really well with the rest of his exams. Sam is in his options year when he goes back!....he said that he knows which subjects he wants to do but now not sure what he wants to do when he leaves school.....I just hope he is happy in whatever he decides to do......

I feel sooo old!

Ben turned 2 this year I can't believe that he is 2 already! It's great as he is starting to show his little personality now which I love. He is also sooo much like Sam to look at it is pretty scary!

What was more scary was when we cut all the older 3's hair a few weeks ago how much Joe & Tim look like each other more so now than they have ever done! I was completely shocked! we knew they looked alike but not as much as they do now

Mark is doing well. It got to the stage where I didn't know if I could carry on caring for everyone as I was getting so tired of not being looked after myself. I know that sounds kinda dumb but I wanted someone to cook me dinner, run me a bath, look after me for a bit.....luckily now Mark has had an injection in his back and is able to walk properly again. I don't know how long this will last but I hope it carries on as he has now a new outlook on life which after years of being depressed is fantastic to see. I know also that the boys are loving their 'new dad'. I am so pleased for the boys as they all suffered with their dad & the situation the way that it was.

The latter part of the year has been going pretty well actually....

My sister & hubby getting pregnant again, Mark getting his injection, oh yes I am working now too!

I am finding going back to work tougher than I thought I would. I couldn't wait to get back. I am enjoying my job & it's great to be 'back out there' but I miss being at home with Ben. Bear in mind that I had been home since Nov 2010 so going back to work after 2 & a half years was a bit of a shock. Every time I see Ben when I get home his face lights up & he runs over if he is not in the car (when Mark comes to collect me). I know that it is a big shift in dynamics for the kids but it seems to be going well at the min. Mark did get a shock to the system as he didn't realise how organised I really had to be with juggling everything. He is doing a pretty good job with all the appointments that you have with kids & all their activities. His diary has become his best friend! lol! I try to make as many appointments as I can but obviously it's hard with working. I do use my diary still alot & we 'sync' our diaries every few days just to make sure we are both on the same page. I can't believe we do that. I thought I only did that with BFF Lisa

We are off to sunny Devon this weekend & I am sooo looking forward to it. We get a mini break & not only that the younger 2 are now old enough to have a paddle in the sea. Mum has told me that the sea is lovely & warm at the min so really looking forward to getting in it! Joe is point blank refusing to wear shorts but if he wants to look the only one then thats fine, he is after all a teenager ;)

I should pop off now but I hope not to leave it this long again before I blog!

note to self, get more scrapping done as running sooo fare behind!

Wow has it really been that long since my last post!

I logged in today thinking it had only been a couple of months since my last post but the last post was actually in September!!!! MY goodness!

So what has been happening...........

Loads if I am honest. My 4 year old started school last September & is in Reception at a lovely school. It has been hard as he has had some 'issues'. We had him diagnosed last December with Asbergers. I will be honest I was devastated as I knew this would be hard. Mainly for him, but the bells rang loud before his diagnosis when they held a party at the school (the occasion I can't remember if I am honest) but he got overwhelmed & then walked off into a corner & just wanted to be quiet & alone. I thought this was just awful. On the plus side of it all we have the diagnosis early (not like with Joe at 13 & a half!!), so we are in a better position, but it is still new this end as we haven't done the system at this age. So we are all learning new things & meeting those who are best to help Tim with what he needs. I hope that he will get a better time at schools than Joe as no-one deserved what Joe went through pre-diagnosis.

Sam is pretty settled now at school which is great, he seems alot happier at his new school which I couldn't ask for anything else really. We did have an incident with a bully but I am pleased to say that the school have been great in handling that & as far as I am aware it has all settled again.

As far as Joe...well that one has been a journey! He was doing really well at school, then all of a sudden he is struggling with loads. His parents evening was the same really he is intelligent but we are having problems with him writing stuff down. I am trying so hard to get him the help that he needs, but unfortunately he hasn't really come to terms with being ASD so he kicks back when help is offered. However! he got some of his exam results for a couple of the papers he has done for his GCSE's & we couldn't be more proud. One of the papers he came away with an A* which is great, he is doing really well with his papers so he must be learning something! unfortunately the teachers are obviously still worried. I have asked for support for him within the class to help with the writing thing but we are still fighting that one at the min. Let's hope we sort it out soon so that he can be the best he can be.

He has also got his first 'proper' girlfriend, they have now been together for coming up to 8 months (I think, it could even be longer!) She is lovely and he seems really happy which is all we can ask.

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Oscar John Bean

We were so excited this year for the arrival of my nephew, but unfortunately we were instead as an entire family struck with the most tragic of news that we NEVER expected.

Oscar was born to the angels. The day I found out I was in a meeting with Mark & another person when the phone rang. It was Mum....we knew that my sister & her husband were in hospital to get a 'sweep' so of course I thought it was to tell us that he was born healthy & everyone was doing well so I picked up the phone as excited as you can imagine to then be told the worst news.

For anyone who goes through something as tragic as losing a child it is the worst possible pain imaginable. I couldn't even comprehend it from the parents prospective, but as far as a member of the extended family all we can do is support when needed. I dropped everything when I found out. Literally leaving Mark to hold the babies! I then had to be with my family in Devon no matter what. In times of need there is a must to be with family where possible.

If there is anything that anyone would like to do, then go to the SANDS website http://www.uk-sands.org/ this is an organisation who volunteer their services to those families in times of need and offer support & councelling to help support them through the pain of losing a child.

Oscar John Bean will never be forgotten & will always be in our hearts he is and will always be my gorgeous nephew. He was the most beautiful little boy. We miss you xxxxx

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Congratulations!

I would like to congratulate my brother-in-law Graham on his marriage to Tara earlier this year. I wish that we weren't so far away as we missed your special day. Welcome to the family Tara & we are hoping that it won't be too long before we can meet you face-to-face instead of over Skype!

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Ben is now 2! Can you believe it! He shared his birthday this year with a very special couple!!

We had the Royal Wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton on his birthday this year....she looked amazing! I don't know how we can top his birthday next year!

He got a lovely trike for his birthday which he loves...not quite figured out how to use it yet, but he is working on that! (see the picture)

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Oprah

So after 25 years Oprah is finishing the Oprah Show. I can't believe it. Like many I have watched the show for the past 22 years. It was the first 'chat show' from the US and I remember that it was far from those like Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer & others. She covered all aspects of life from her weight, world issues amongst many many more too long to list and then she embarked on changing the way that we read by starting her own book club. Oprah also has many other causes, the Angel Network and also her school for girls in South Africa. Oprah is a true inspiration to all. I will be sad to see the show end, but am changed because of the Oprah show.

She introduced to Lisa Bearnson on a show about women who started were housewives and came up with an idea and turned them into businesses. Lisa Bearnson was a scrapbooker as a hobby then turned it in to her life and business. From that day on I have been a scrapper. Starting with my Nan's 80th birthday album which I created after watching the show to now having loads of scrapbooking products and becoming a part of who I am.

Another episode was the day she has some inspirational people on the show talking about The Secret. This is a book which changed the way you think and materialise. This I admit is a hard one as when things are really tough to then find something positive out of it seems impossible. I still struggle with it myself. But I am going to go back again and read it. Just to reinstate my thought process on life.

Eckhart Tolle 'A New Earth' was another inspirational book that I have read upon recommendation from Oprah's show. It tells you how to think past your ego! I am still reading it as I was hoping to have finish it but having time to do everything that I want is sometimes endless.

Eat Pray Love yet another book recommended on the show about a woman who decided when her life was not going in the direction she wanted decided to go & travel to experience different parts of the world & in the process re-discover her thirst on life. This was made into a film last year with Julia Roberts. As a woman I can truly see where she was coming from to re-discover the thirst to live life to the full. I have always wanted to travel and have made a pact with my BFF and we are going to travel with our backpacks when my kids are bigger. I CAN'T WAIT!

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A thought for you

Life always throws us curveballs to overcome & they can come in all shapes and sizes. It is our decision whether we choose to catch those balls to tackle whatever comes our way or whether we let them pass and struggle with the issues and let it eat us up.

I am trying to tackle everything that is thrown at me but I admit I sometimes think that Why me! Why them! Why! Why! Why! It is hard but the positive that comes out of them is the learning and growing that we do when we have tackled each thing head on

AHA MOMENT

So here we are in to September already. As you are aware things have been really tough recently as I have been struggling with serious 'self doubt', 'weight issue', 'depression' & unworthiness in general.

Well this morning I had an AHA Moment!

I picked up this months' editon of one of my favourite Magazines 'O Magazine' and it was entitled the 'Makeover Edition'. Quite an appropriate title to be honest. I sat at 4am! yes 4am this morning and read it whilst looking after the younger 2, who had decided to get up that early!!! yet again!

Anyway, I was reading the whole magazine and the articles (luckily I can read pretty fast!) and came to the conclusion that only I, ME, myself can change what is happening to me at the moment.

Last night as i was feeling extremely knackered I visited my best friend who is about to give birth any day now & really had a good chat about things. I have missed those chats over tea & cake! Anyway, I said to her that I wanted to get a bike so that I can exercise as am not happy about the size I am & want to be fit for myself & the kids, but also an inspiration to them too. She offered me her bike! i was completely overwhelmed with her generosity (it's on loan for a least a year). This will enable me to cycle Tim to school in a couple of weeks as well as get myself fit & healthy.

I don't know what I would do without friends like her.

Then I came home & went straight to bed as was late!

This morning I got up feeling exhausted as per usual recently and read my O Magazine. After I had finished I thought to myself 'AHA!' From then I decided that today was going to be a brand new day. A new start......today & from now on I was going to do stuff for myself....if I want it I will do my best to get it....I set myself a list of things in my head that I want to achieve

* New me - weight loss, fitness, pride in myself & health - 1st priority if I don't look after me first then no-one else will!
* Family - 2nd priority, make sure that they are getting my attention & being looked after better than I have ever done before, be an ear, give them love, nurture them more than have done
* Marriage - 3rd priority, I am determined to make it better! Make more time for US as a couple
* Money - need to get on top of the finances, daily!
* Career - need to find a job that will enable me to provide for the family & change the current situation! work on getting my resume re-jigged & looking professional. seek professional help with how to get back to work, look at what career I really want & work towards getting it
* Pride in my house - redecorate, de-clutter & minimise. Less stuff means less clearing up & more time for the family & less stress!
* Eco friendly - use the bike more instead of a car, use the dryer less where possible, make sure all electrics are switched off at night
* Scrap stash - sort through & sell off what I haven't used in months! someone might want it!!
* Routine - make sure that I create a routine for the kids & stick to it, be consistent
* Clearout sale - this will get rid of 'stuff', help with the de-clutter & also helps with the finances too, may be put towards a holiday for the family

Today is a new day, a new start, a positive move.....today is the day I do change for ME not for anyone else!!!

Today is the day that I say 'I love me! I am proud of me! I can do this for my family, be a better ME!'

Change starts within & today is THAT day

Is it really 2 months since my last post!

I can't believe it is 2 months since I last did an entry on here......so what has been going on in my busy world...

1. My baby sis got married, had a great day apart from being pulled in to my dress :( but the day itself was lovely. She looked lovely & the most girlie I have ever seen her. We got some great photos which I may put a couple on here, some of my faves

2. We are still trying to sort out all these various benefits which I have to say is really starting to get to me. I try so hard to keep things together but the stress that filling in forms, chasing and all the other nigthmares that go with it cause, I ask myself is it really worth it?

3. Joe and Sam have now both started at their new school and seem to be settling in really well. Joe got his report at the end of term and I have to say I was sooooo proud. He got straight A's and level 5 & 6's. Considering he had only been there 6 weeks I was super chuffed. Let's hope he keeps it going.

4. Tim had his last day at pre-school at the end of July. I got emotional about it as it became very real that my baby was starting school in September. The pre-school have put together a little photobook so that he is able to recognise things before he starts. He also had a couple of 'taster' days which flagged up that he does has Asbergers' syndrome like Joe. I did get upset about that, but on the flip side we know early so the school are aware which is great.

5. I got Mark to start Slimming World as his back is really really bad, the worst I have really known it since the accident back in 98. He doesn't help himself though and I do get really annoyed as he sits on the pc all day, every day and barely moves from the chair so I don't think he is helping himself. I do get really annoyed with him as I am doing EVERYTHING!!! gggrrrrr

Anyway, we are doing well and even though I gained all the weight back and more from when I started before I am back on track. Let's hope I can do it this time

6. I am ready to commit murder this summers hols as the boys don't really want to be out doing stuff which is driving me to somewhere near potty. So today I am forcing them out to do stuff as they need to get out of the house, they just seem to be fighting. Why are boys soooo different to girls? that is a question that raises debates worldwide! I never really used to stay in but if I did I was in my room listening to music most of the time or decorating it in posters!!

The up side is that Sam and Joe have discovered that they can really lose themselves in books which I am soo pleased with as reading is such an escapism

7. I have decided that I am going to do some classes on Big Picture Scrapbook, it does cost money but I thought I can learn new techniques and start making my own stuff to sell and try and make a bit of money.....can't wait!



So here we are nearing the end of August and let's check.....

Stress level.....quite high

Weight loss....going down

Body measurements....going down

School uniform.....getting there

Scrapbook Retreat......can't wait for, so excited.......a weekend just for me!!!!! worth more than anyone will ever know

Could things get any worse right now!

I know that I am putting the question out there which is not really good as it means that I am giving out those negative vibes, but sometimes I feel that being positive is a hard thing to do.

There are soooo many things going on at the mo in my life that could all tumble down like a block of bricks being knocked over.

I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it 'all better' but I know that right now it is a bleak situation.

We are on the verge of losing our home as I haven't coped well and the mortgage hasn't been paid in 3 months! Not good considering Mark was made redundant in April and the 'fab job' that I was offered, never actually happened in the end. People should not be allowed to mess about with other people's lives as this has had a major impact on EVERYTHING! It was supposed to make things better, but I guess that is what you get when you rely on someone else.

I am not happy with the way that things are at home at the minute as I feel sooooo invisible and under appreciated for what I do..........

.....I now know that this is how a lot of Mum's must feel at some point....but here's the question......Should we be treated like slaves? Should WE be the only ones to do everything?......who is really looking after us?.........these are questions that I have been asking myself ALOT! I have 3 able bodied people in this house apart from me and feel that I am STILL doing everything.....when I started to 'fall apart' recently I was told that I couldn't do that as what would everyone else do?......can you believe that! So it is ok for everyone else to have issues, but when it comes to ME! NOTHING! NOT ALLOWED!!!!

I have recently be missing my family more and female company even more as men be complete pains and selfish, but I guess I am acting a little selfish at the min, but WHY NOT! I feel like a little girl at the min as I am seriously throwing my teddy in the corner........I want to feel loved, not just told that I am loved as right now I certainly don't feel it......I just feel that I am here to clean up the CRAP!

I know that I shouldn't be using this blog for this but I feel that I can really let go on here, & yes I guess air some of that laundry!

I have also made the decision to sell my Bon Jovi tickets that I was soooo looking forward to seeing this weekend as it is too much money to waste right now, let's hope I manage to do that otherwise I might as well go!

Amazingly I should be feeling great as Tim is turning 4 tomorrow, but it is hard to concerntrate on that at the min when everything else is going to the dogs

I must pop off otherwise this could go on for a while! not good really......so apologies to those who feel that I shouldn't really be doing this

I hope next blog will have some positive out of it

Is he 14 already!

So my 'baby' turned 14 this month!

So here we are remembering how I was when Joe was born....22, newly married, just left the forces, thinking how did I end up here! So at 22 I had no idea what to expect or how I was going to manage as a new wife and new mum, the thought of it just terrified me if I am totally honest.

I met Mark on my last 6 weeks in the Falkland Islands! not planned let me tell you.....I was planning to leave the forces in the April (met Mark in the Aug before) and go and do some travelling....I remember Mum saying that you should do some in your life as you may regret it later! how right was she! not that I would ever tell her that of course!!! :D

So after returning from the Falklands my life then turned in to a roller coaster.....found out I was pregnant on my leave......told Mark! which went better than I thought it would down a phone! he wasn't due back til Nov and I really couldn't leave it that long! then first week of December he proposed, then 30th December we got married! Jan 97 we moved in to our first home together....Mark was away on exercise & I was 4 months pregnant! Mad I know! I still had 3 months to go before I would be leaving the forces, but Joe had other ideas!! I was signed off sick til I left as I had a rough pregnancy.....little did I know then I was having a ready made 3 month old!

So here we were in May and his due date came and went! Huge looking like I was having twins I went in to Salisbury hospital on 31st May, 10 days over his due date I got enduced.....wow, that was an experience!

3 and a half days later!!!!! Joe was born by emergency c-section, I was so scared as I was awake! I tried to stay calm but when they told me he was stuck I worried....a lot!

So at 3am on 3rd June 1996 out came Joe....58 cm long & 10lb 10oz!!!! he was a BIG baby!

The nurses were soo lovely and loved to hold him and let me sleep as I needed a blood transfusion after as he took sooo much goodness from me.

He was gorgeous (of course he still is!); my 'little' man.......always quicker than other kids his age doing things, always interested in lots of more advance stuff....of course I thought it was 'normal' as I didn't know any different.......So jump ahead to this year, Jan 2010 Joe is diagnosed with ASD!

So that explains lots of things, but also fills me with fear....what! what is this thing he has? how do I cope with this? am I alone here or is this something other people deal with? are all ASD kids the same?

These were just some questions that I had

Now in June 2010 I realise that he is special as he is different but sooo intelligent, advanced yet still a child, challenging but rewarding. I am learning so much about this condition that I look at things differently. I won't lie it is really hard to know what is best still, but I am working on it.

Joe is now 14, size 11 (men size) feet, 5'10 inches tall!!!! blonde & blue eyed (heartbreaker in the making!!)

I love you Joe, good, bad and ugly times, but you are you and unique

I am so proud of who you are and who you want to become xxxx